


Dethvanity

by williammurderface



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Anxiety, Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, self harm implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 15:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6570874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/williammurderface/pseuds/williammurderface
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a drabble I did on tumblr, sets during the episode Dethvanity after Murderface gets his panic attack. Toki gets concerned and goes to look for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dethvanity

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for self harm implications, none of which is being performed.
> 
> Written as platonic but can be interpreted as romantic if you wish.
> 
> Didn't write out William's lisp because I wanted to focus on Toki's speech mannerisms first ( haven't wrote him in forever )

The Norwegian visibly winced as the door was slammed upon the bassist’s sudden exit. Wether it was because Toki usually disliked aggressive behavior, or in which the context Murderface left, it was unknown. But it was unexpected nonetheless, and something was…off, Toki took clear notes of Murderface’s behavior before he excused himself.

He made some attempt to dismiss it as the meeting conversation continued, and yet his band mates’ and manager’s voices were blocked out, muffled. He was distracted, he was aware of that at least. But why? It was Murderface, these tantrums were typical and often blew over in typical fashion, with him realizing what he had done was stupid once it resulted in failure. This was somehow different.

The rest of the meeting went by rather quickly, with the others going off on a tangent as Charles would often try to put his word in, to no avail as usual. Toki’s thoughts were interrupted as he heard his name, prompting him to sit up in his chair, with his movements causing it to scrape against the flooring somewhat as he pushed back.

“Toki. You’ve been quiet, is everything, uh, alright?”

“Yeahs, Toki, pays attention to Charles when he ams speaksing to us!”

“That’s pretty fucked up, dude.”

His blue eyes would flicker briefly to the staring gazes of his friends- Nathan with his usual blank, almost apathetic stare, Pickles with his slurred, drunk and distant gaze, then there was Skwisgaar with his judgmental, brow half raised look. Honestly, he wasn’t expecting Charles to notice him dozing off, it was normal for the band to be dismissive of whatever opinion him or Murderface had. Speaking of which…

“Oh, me? Uh, ams just thinkings what to haves for lunch, lemons sounds good.”

Charles eyebrow rose in a questioning manner, yet he didn’t seem to question Toki, not when it came to his strange taste in things he wanted to try for the hell of it, which allowed Toki to sigh as the others began to leave. 

Naturally, Charles remained as he organized his papers, paying no mind to the rhythm guitarist as he promptly left as well, in slightly more of a hurry than usual.

It seemed everyone went off on their own ways to do their usual activities when nothing of importance or entertainment happened, which made Toki unsure of what he wanted to do. Sure, he could spend all day trying to get used to the taste of lemons, but he couldn’t stay focused when there was an unusual gut feeling that something was wrong with his friend.

Friend was…a loose term when it came to Murderface. It was strange in the sense that both of them barely had any friends, that the two often argued at times. But it was little compared to how much the two got along when it came to the common aspect that they shared- being the underdogs. Though Toki knew that William had the worst of it, almost as if he was the lightning rod of all the band’s negativity. Toki was sure he was fine, seeing how he usually absorbed it, occasionally getting angry, but going back to japes and boasts in no time flat.

Toki was well on his way to his room, occupied with planting his teeth into a freshly cut lemon to suck its bitter juices, his face scrunching up once he tasted the particularly unique sourness, eyes squinting. A hand grasped his door knob, ready to enter his room for a few hours with hopefully no disturbances, when he heard a vaguely loud crash from down the halls.

There was contemplation of wether or not Toki should bother to go and investigate, loud noises of property destruction a la the band members themselves was common, why would he bother?

Toki pursed his dry lips in thought before setting the plate of lemons and lemon skins down on his desk, exiting his room in a hurried fashion. Though he stood in the hall way, looking between the direction of William’s room and towards the kitchen. He had to be safe.

Knowing that the sound of fragile objects breaking wasn’t exactly a good omen, he rushed himself towards the kitchen in preparation. He wasn’t sure if William was desperate enough to hurt himself, but he wanted to be safe, to help him in any way he could.

Of course, Pickles happened to be there, digging around for the usual consumables to keep himself nice and drunk, whom Toki only gave a smile and a wave of his hand while digging through the freezer.

“You look kinda rushed, you ah'right man?”

“Yeps. Ams getting somethings for uh, a prank, yes.”

The drummer gave a physical response with his pierced eyebrow raising with questions rising in his head. Both Skwisgaar and Toki were known for retaliating brutally in prank wars, as expressed when Murderface bombarded them with prank calls.

“Just take it easy, we don’t need anythin’ else gettin’ out of fuckin’ hand lately, Offdensen’s been kinda stressed about it.”

The brunette peeked his head out from the fridge door, almost pleasantly surprised at his words. Charles? Stressed? That didn’t sound good, but thankfully he wasn’t pulling a prank.

“Reallys?”

The drummer gave a nonchalant shrug before putting the lid of the beer bottle to his lips, nearly drinking half of the thing in one go, setting it down on the counter.

“The hell if I know.”

Toki knew better than to press into manners, especially with Pickles. Well, he could, given that him and Pickles had a decent relationship at least. 

But he had someplace to be and fast at that matter, though he tried to hide the fact he was in a hurry from his bandmate.

Holding a few trays of ice cubes in his arms, he’d slam the freezer door shut with his foot before giving Pickles a casual smile, his way of letting him know he’d be leaving almost immediately. That he did, and he was almost running at this point down the halls, breezing by a Klokateer in the process. He just hoped he wouldn’t be too late, god he hoped.

With the bassist’s door in view, he paused once he reached it to catch his breath, panting for a good moment or two before finally regaining his breath. With his hands occupied, he decided to subtly knock on the door with his boot, waiting a moment for a response though none came.

“…Moidaface?”

No response. That was unsettling to the guitarist- Murderface usually responded with an angered shriek, or often an object being thrown to the door in an attempt to get the visitor to leave. This was getting concerning, and Toki knew he couldn’t up and leave at this point. Something was wrong with him.

He didn’t talk any further, but rather he leaned forward to press his ear against the door, his face scrunching up in determination as he tried to listen closely if William was making any noise at all, anything to give Toki hope that he was responsive.

There was something. Intangible, but it could be heard nonetheless. His face furthered contorted as he focused, trying to define the noise the best he could. It was muffled, but distinguishable now. It was- crying? Was someone in there crying? Or was he watching a movie? It was hard to place why there was crying, he’d never heard any of the other boys cry before, or anyone in Mordhaus cry for that matter.

It came to him slowly, his reaction was delayed, but it had come to him slowly. Toki’ posture straightened up as his eyebrows rose in surprise, though they soon furrowed once his slightly agape mouth turned into a frown. Crying? Murderface?

“Moidaface, ams comings in!”

It wasn’t even a matter of debate, usually he cared for other’s privacy after a few incidents when he was younger, but he’d dismiss his preference in favor of helping his friend when he needed it, even if the other would never admit to needing it.

Much to Toki’s surprise, the door wasn’t locked, so much as it was shut extremely securely ( he was impressed to say the least ) but he wouldn’t allow the obstacle to faulted him. Adjusting his stance, he’d ram his shoulder into the door, cringing somewhat with a curse slipping from his tongue before he’d try again.

After a few tries, more cursing, and Nathan walking by with a raised eyebrow ( whom didn’t bother to question the scene he had seen, given Toki’s habits of doing odd things such as these ), the door gave in and it flung open, with the Norwegian stumbling in and a few ice cubes flying astray.

The sight he had stumbled upon was normal- with a few bedsheets sprawled and pillows flung astray, objects broken. It was typically normal for William to break these things ( which he would demand later to be paid for, for repairs ) so Toki was under the impression that nothing was wrong. Still, his eyes trailed the room for anything amiss, but the crying was much more audible now, clearer and louder.

It wasn’t soft crying that Toki himself was used to doing, or like the ones he heard in his shows. It was loud, ugly crying, heavy breathing and occasional hiccups mixed with slight pauses. Toki’s intuition was right, Murderface hadn’t recovered from Nathan’s comment as he expected. It legitimately did surprise Toki, he was so used to this passing over.

He wasn’t sure if he was sympathetic or empathetic, in fact, he wasn’t even sure why he bandmate was in this state. He wouldn’t pressure him to talk about something he didn’t want to- Toki had been in this position before a long time ago. With an inaudible inhale, he’d approach the bundle of blankets hunched on the bed quietly, half tempted to shake it to see if he was reponsive, though he decided against it.

“…Moidaface?”

Observing the trembling sheets that was Murderface, he’d set the ice trays down at the foot of the bed, standing patiently at the side of the bed. He wouldn’t exactly force him to speak, but he had at least wanted to let the other know that he was concerned, deeply so.

“W-Why the fuck are you here, Toki?!”

His body jumped slightly in response to the sudden harsh reply, though he calmed himself quickly and took notice of the sniveling ( which he assumed Murderface was trying to hide his crying ) before the blankets were dropped.

God, he looked like shit. Toki personally thought he wasn’t necessarily ugly, more so he looked more rugged looking. He had realized awhile ago that a reason he was always called the bulldog of the group was that he was constantly compared to the rest of the band, but alone? He wasn’t bad looking.

His blue eyes never left the bassist as he began to wipe the snot and tears from his face, his deep frown staining his face as his head quickly turned. His eyes were red and swollen, his face red. He’d been crying hard, Toki recognized those symptoms from himself. His chest almost sunk after seeing this sight, it was so rare to see, in fact, it was the most vulnerable Toki had ever seen William.

“Ams here to check on you. You left the meetings so fast, and I- heards you crying outsides-”

William tried his best to give off the impression he was offended by the other’s assumption that he had been crying but it didn’t work. It was true. It was obvious on his face and dammit, he could feel his chest tighten, his breathing finding it’s quick pace once again as he tried to push away at the bad feelings. He always did it, forced them away which was a lot more common than one would think.

“Yeah, well….that’s…that’s fucking gay, so stop it. I’m fine.”

That’s when Toki’s eyebrows furrowed, his body promptly going to sit on the edge of William’s bed without hesitance. There was clear concern in his eyes, he would not leave until he figured out why he was so hurt like this. He knew he was hurting, William never cried like this before, it was almost pitiful to see.

“Don'ts care. And you ams not, even I cans sees that. I just wants to know if you ams okay.”

I’m fucking fine. That was what his response was going to be, he felt compelled to, he was going to say it and promptly go to sleep, and yet, it was incredibly difficult. Why was it hard, why was he hesitating? Thick, brown eyebrows furrowed, his chest heaving up and down much more quickly now as his nostrils flared, occasionally sniveling as he was silent. Was he okay?

'No. I’m never okay. I never have been. I’m tired of it, I just want respect. I’m not okay.'

The only sound that came from the bassist’s mouth was a soft whimper as his eyes squeezed shut, his hands clenching at his shirt. Toki made no hesitation to place his hand on the other’s shoulder, to his surprise, it wasn’t swatted away.  
His chapped lips pursed as he tried to think of something to say, anything at all, but he had to be careful because he knew how William felt about his own self esteem- he knew he was like this due to what Nathan had said, about the award he was going to receive. The more he thought about it, the more it had actually angered him.

His bandmate, who had already such a low and fragile self esteem, was thrown into an award involving his looks, expected to take it, to be flattered. His free hand clenched itself as he bit at his lip, patting the other’s shoulder in an awkward attempt to comfort his friend.

“….is it the awards, what Nathan saids?”

Toki allowed his hand to rest on his lap, to give William room to do as he would when his stiff muscles began to loosen, his entire body beginning to shake. He was a bit startled when he snapped to him, his eyes angry, but filled with tears nonetheless. He was trying to deny it, but Toki was now aware of how much it bothered him.

“I’m…I’m fucking tired of it! I’m tired of being called ugly, I’m…tired of all this bullshit. I just…want to be normal, I want to be respected…I-I…”

His only response was to give him a nod of affirmation, letting William know that it was absolutely okay to let his repressed emotions go. He could tell by his panicked breathing, on the verge of hyperventilation, the way his hand was clutching onto his chest for dear life, that he needed to cry, needed to get it out in any way that he could.

The bassist could feel himself losing control of his grip on his emotions, his eyes closing again. His sobs were choked, mixed with wheezes as he could feel hot tears roll down his cheeks again. He felt so fucking pathetic, he was, this was not how a world famous musician should act. The thing was, he felt like this every day, he wanted to let go like this but he often kept it bottled up- it was only time that he broke down.

Toki was entirely observant, silent even as he let the brunette allow himself to finally freely express how he felt. Sure, he often did express it, and Toki couldn’t understand how awful it must have felt to have his friends ignore the fact that he blatantly hated himself. But his eyes were caught by something entirely different.

“Scars?! Williams, why-?! No, no no…”

He could feel himself tear up as he quickly stood up from the bed, his own hands gripping his long, soft brown hair as he breathed erratically. With no hesitation, he went back over to the foot of the bed, bending down to grab an ice tray- thankfully, there was still a few solid ice cubes.

“…what about them?”

Murderface was more appalled at Toki’s outburst than anything. His scars were visible, barely, but visible. He was surprised that someone had finally noticed them, that it was Toki of all people. Charles took note of it, even offered him to see a therapist, but William defiantly refused. He didn’t want to be seen as weak. His nose scrunched up as he sniveled, wiping at his eyes and taking deep, slow breaths to calm himself.

“…please, d-don'ts hurts yourself anymores. Scars…amsent good things…please, promise me.”

Toki sat on the beside once more, trying to calm his breathing as he shut his eyes, counting in his head rhythmically to help him regain his composure. It took him a moment, but once he was vaguely calm, albeit still shaking, he grabbed a hold of one of William’s hands, turning it over to stare at the large scars plaguing alongside it.

“…you ams better than this. You made it this long, you ams a multibillionsair, you makes it, you ams important. You understands me, I understands you. We needs each other whens we gots no one else.”

With an exhale, Toki hardly gave William a time to respond as he gently set his wrist down, which the other promptly began to rub self consciously. He grabbed an ice cube from the tray, turning to look Murderface dead in the eyes. The seriousness in Toki’s icy blue eyes was enough to get William to remain quiet, attentive to what he was going to hear- save for the sound of the two of them sniveling their running noises.

“Looks, whens you feels like hurting yourself, there ams another way. Take ice cubes, rubs them on your skin. It helps me. Please, promise me.”

Toki stared at a nonresponsive Murderface for a long time, who gave a slow, hesitant, but compliant nod of his head as his expression began to turn sour, almost ready to cry at any given moment. And he did, it was silent, but understanding, as he rested his head against Toki’s chest.

'Someone cares.'

The two were silent for a long time, enough for all the ice melted by the time they calmed down, but they didn’t care. They needed the long silence, the mutual respect forming in the silent atmosphere. Toki allowed William to compose himself- sure, he was his normal self by then, though less harsh and brash, but it was so damned nice to see that toothy smile of his, to see him so optimistic as they ran out of the room to go play Rock Band together.

Toki just wished he would have known sooner, or had a more deep understanding of what was going on with his friend.


End file.
